This is the second part of my “respect in marriage” talk, which I gave for my MOPS group today. Part 1 can be read here.
Respect in a Marriage: Getting Specific
Two weeks ago, you all graciously listened to me talk about our husbands’ need for respect. We delved into the idea that both love and respect are unconditional. They are choices that husbands and wives are each asked to give freely, even when the other person does not do the same. We talked about the “crazy cycle” in marriage, where she feels unloved and responds without respect… then without respect, he responds without love…. without love, she responds without respect… and without respect, he responds without love. We talked about how we can stop this crazy cycle when we begin to recognize what’s going on and make choices to respond differently.
Today, I’m going to get more specific. I’m not going to give you a list of “Ten things you should do to be a better wife” or “Things you should say to your husband.” Rather, I’m going to share some specific areas where men need respect, some ways that we might inadvertently show disrespect in those areas, and give some examples and insights on each of these areas.
1) Respect his judgment.
Whether we realize it or not, our husbands value our high opinion and respect more than that of anyone else. But unfortunately, men often feel that their opinions are respected everywhere but their home. At work, a guy’s coworkers don’t tell him what to do; they ask him to do something or they work together. As wives, we often want to control things, and we believe we are always right. Sometimes we fall into the habit of ordering our husbands around like one of the kids. But when we do this, we show that we don’t trust their decisions.
When I was planning this talk, I emailed my husband and asked if he could think of an example in which a man would feel that his wife disrespects his judgment. He sent me a real-life story about a friend of his. Here’s what he wrote (FYI, I’m changing their names here, so if you happen to know anyone by the name of Andy and Anne, it’s purely coincidental!)
I’ll give you an example from Andy’s conversation with me:
Andy deflated when Anne stated that she did not think he could be trusted to make good decisions in selecting a good job. She told him that he had not made good decisions choosing a job in the past, and she believed that he would not be able to make a good decision in the future.He was seriously deflated by this and in effect felt like a failure.
I doubt that this wife intended to deflate her husband. She’s worried, and she probably wanted to convince her husband to be cautious in making his career decisions. She probably had no idea how her words hurt her husband. In the same way, there may be times when we are not intending to be disrespectful, but our words and actions make our guys feel that we think they’re stupid.
Instead of expressing distrust for his judgment, ask for his input on questions and decisions that you have. Be willing to defer to his judgment sometimes. There is no greater way to show that you respect his judgment than to seek it out, and follow it!
2) Respect his abilities
Have you ever driven around in a car with your husband, seemingly aimless or lost, and your husband just won’t stop and ask for directions?
Whether it’s locating a destination on the map, fixing the dvd player, or repairing some appliance in your home, men have an internal desire to figure things out on their own. When we see our husbands in the process of trying, we naturally want to help. We jump in and tell him to just call a repair guy or let’s just ask some other man for directions. Or we pipe in and tell him how he’s doing it wrong, and we start giving instructions on a better way to do it.
He thinks he can do it. He wants to give it his best shot… We give the message that we don’t believe he can succeed.
There may be times when he’ll ask you to call someone and come fix the dishwasher or paint the house, but if we jump in to help when he wants to try to do it himself, he perceives it as distrust.
We need to give our guys the message that we believe in them – that we have confidence in their abilities. Let him try, and have confidence that he can probably handle it. Also have confidence that if it’s beyond his ability, he has the intelligence to figure that out on his own, too!
3.) Respect in Communication
When we question our husbands’ judgment and abilities, we can inadvertently say the wrong thing, giving the wrong message that we don’t trust them. But sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s (say it with me…) how you say it.
In the past week while I was researching for this talk, I looked through some notes from a Bible Study that Nancy led several years ago, on the subject of respect. On my outline, Nancy had asked the following question:
Describe a recent time that your husband reacted in anger toward you. Could he have been feeling disrespected? Jot down any additional insights God brought to your mind.
Here was my response:
I was snappy and spoke sharply about something trivial. He was angry, but calm. He told me that I would never have spoken to my mother or anyone else in that way, and should have been more respectful in my manner. He absolutely felt disrespected, and said so. He was right, too!
Now, I do not remember what on earth I was upset about that started the whole thing, but I vividly remember him saying those words to me. Over the weeks that followed, I gave a lot of thought to those words. I have not conquered this weakness in myself by any means, but I have made tremendous strides. When I am tempted to speak sharply, I pause first. I consider if this is something I really need to bring up. Often, I’ll decide that it’s trivial and I’ll let it go… and by that, I don’t just mean that I keep silent about it. I mean that I stop thinking about it and stewing over it, and truly let it go. If it is something that I actually do need to bring up, I consider how I can soften my wording so as to not come across as disrespectful. I’m not advocating that we walk on eggshells, but just that we give our husbands the same graciousness that we would give anyone else, by watching what we say, and how we say it.
4) Respect in Public
Light-hearted teasing can be enjoyable between husbands and wives when both of you know what the other person means and no offense is intended. But in public settings, our husbands will often be really humiliated when we joke at their expense. In For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn describes a conversation with her dad, where she asked him about teasing that men might take wrong. Here’s how the conversation went:
Shaunti: But what if she’s truly teasing? Like they’re out with friends and the wife says, “Oh, the dishwasher broke,” and she teases her husband about wanting to fix it when he’s not a handyman?”
Shaunti’s Dad: Oh, that’s terrible! You never want to do that. The guy is the protector, provider, and is supposed to take care of everything. This sort of teasing lets everyone know that he doesn’t know how to take care of everything. It also lets everyone know how the wife feels about him. She’s making light of something that is really important to him!
The dialogue went on to show that while any public jabs are humiliating, the worst is when it’s done in front of other men. Men are always in competition with each other. A man’s wife knows him better than anyone, so when she belittles him, the other guys won’t respect him. They’ll have pity for him, and see him as weak.
But public disrespect isn’t only damaging when the husband is present. Belittling and complaining about our husbands will have the same results even when he is absent. When you speak about your husband, everyone in earshot will be forming a perception of him based upon what you say. Public disrespect is damaging through and through.
Instead of putting him down in public, take opportunities to build him up in the presence of others, whether he’s in the room or not. Don’t be artificial about it, but find genuine opportunities to share things you love and respect about him. Brag about him, and build him up! He will think you’re the most wonderful woman in the world.
Want more? Try Respect in Marriage, Part 1.
1: Hold up 1 finger. This means that God comes first. So the first commandment is that God said, “You shall have no other gods before me.”
by Tedd Tripp. On my 
Deuteronomy 6:4-9
. The subject of the series is “margin” – the “extra” in our lives. In regards to time, margin is unscheduled downtime. Most people don’t have enough of it, and this is a critical mistake. Relationships are built in the margin of our time. If we do not have enough margin to take ten minutes on the phone to talk to a friend, to visit someone who is lonely, to help someone in need, what kind of friend would we be? As a mother, if I fill up every moment of every day with activities and work, so that I don’t have time to pick up a child who wants my attention, to kiss boo-boos, to read a story, or to have a conversation about an unexpected issue in my childrens’ lives, then what kind of mother would I be? As a Christian, if I don’t take time daily to pray and read the Word, how will I ever grow in my walk with the Lord?
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, says stress is a by-product of our age. Stress has become an inevitable part of today’s life for four out of five people. According to the American Institute of Stress, stress-related illnesses cost the American economy $150 billion annually. Canadian, Hans Selye, considered to be the “father” of stress research, defines stress as the non-specific response of the body to any demand made upon it. This definition is contrary to the popular thinking thinking that defines stress as an unpleasant circumstance, such as tax time or a screaming baby. 
Michelle
Gameboy
Polly
Iron Man